It Started With A Kiss
by AWickedMemory
Summary: A short piece on Kaworu and Shinji regarding Shinji's emotions behind that fateful day. [ Completed 1 of 1 ]


**Title:** It Started With A Kiss  
**Author:** Daryn Maxwell  
**Date Started:** 24 Dec. 2003  
**Date Completed:** 24 Dec. 2003  
**Disclaimer:** Shinseiki (Neon Genesis) Evangelion and all of its characters are property of Gainax. As always, comments would be much appreciated!  


          It started with a kiss.

          It had been on the walk home. Nagisa Kaworu and Ikari Shinji had gone to the baths together. While there, Kaworu had told Shinji that he was worthy of affection-- indeed, his own affection. He had told Shinji that he loved him. But that hadn't been enough; though this had affected Shinji enormously, he hadn't taken it to heart.

          It had started raining. Kaworu had a coat; Shinji did not. Kaworu had removed his coat and offered it to Shinji, seeming unaffected by the chilly precipitation. Perhaps he had expected the rain. Shinji wouldn't have doubted it-- Kaworu seemed to somehow expect everything.

          It had been warm under the coat, fleece-lined on the inside and polyester on the out. The rain slid off of it rather than soaking in, and kept Shinji warm. The coat was crisp and new, but despite that, and despite the rain, it lingered with the faint scent of the snowy-haired adolescent ambling along beside him. That made him warmer. But perhaps it was the faintly concerned gesture of Kaworu's that had warmed him even more than the coat. Never before had anbody shown him such a simple but so deeply caring kindness. Or perhaps it was all in his head, and it really was just the coat that kept his cheeks pink and his arms free of goosebumps. He didn't know, and he never would.

          It had happened near the swings of the park. The park was empty, for so few people still lived in the area. On an impulse, Kaworu had led them to the swings, and beneath the weak canopy of the trees above them, they sat and talked quietly. They didn't talk about anything in particular; a little about music here, a little about books there. Nothing personal, nothing intimate, and most importantly, nothing important.

          It had been brief. A clap of thunder overhead had warned them that the storm was going to take a turn for the worse, and Kaworu had stood up. He'd held out his hand for Shinji, and, smiling, Shinji had taken it. Pulling Shinji to his feet, Kaworu had held him close for one silent shard of a moment, a single thread in time, a grain of sand in eternity. He had kissed him.

          It had tasted bittersweet, and Shinji didn't know why. It was fire and ice, and Shinji was melting inside. It was as powerful as a flood but as gentle as the first down feathers of a bird. It was smoke, curling about his senses and entwining itself around his soul before vanishing as if it had never existed.

          It had lingered anyway, or at least it did in Shinji's mind. Come so quick and gone so quick, Kaworu had smiled fondly, grabbed Shinji's hand, and ran. Shinji ran right beside him, bewildered but at the same time contented far beyond any comfort he had ever felt. They had arrived at Kaworu's apartment, and Shinji had borrowed a dry shirt and pants to sleep in.

          It had crept into his dreams. That night, Shinji hadn't dreamt of his father's glare, or his faceless mother's soft smile. He hadn't dreamt of Rei's lonely solitude, or Asuka's hostile insults or Misato's pained distance. Instead, he dreamt of an emotion he had never known. He dreamt of scarlet eyes and silvery hair and alabaster skin. He dreamt of whispered words-- "Sukitte koto sa"-- and a hand resting atop of his in the water and the profile of a tall, lanky boy.

          It had burned to wake up with the bed beside his empty.

          It had frozen him to make his way to NERV's center alone.

          It had nearly killed him to hear the news.

          But...

          _It_ was still there, flaring brilliantly when his eyes rested on Kaworu descending lower into the core of NERV. _It_ had wept as he fought with Asuka's beloved Eva and watched Kaworu walk away. _It_ had held him back from tightening his fist. _It_ had fallen, dismembered and discarded, when Kaworu did.

          _It_ prompted him to scoop the still-smiling head from the LCL. _It_ held Kaworu's remains in cold, metal hands as Shinji's heart broke. _It_ screamed in the surrounding silence when Shinji couldn't speak, could hardly breathe.

          It wasn't love. It wasn't hate. It wasn't light. It wasn't dark. It wasn't good. It wasn't evil. It wasn't sane. It wasn't mad. It was merely the connection that two young boys had made, species disregarded, gender disregarded, age disregarded, time disregarded, situation disregarded. In a world about to fall apart, it alone had remained pure.

          Shinji wasn't pure, but Kaworu had made him pure. Shinji wasn't loved, but Kaworu had loved him. Shinji didn't shine, but Kaworu had filled him with all of the stars of heaven.

          Lowering Kaworu back into the water and watching the pale skin, pale hair, burning eyes sink, Shinji found his voice and whispered back the words he should have said before, words that had been born before they ever left Kaworu's lips-- words that had been born from a kiss. But he wasn't as wonderous as Kaworu had been when he spoke. His words weren't softened by tender, inexpressable emotions. They were soft, almost inaudible, but heartbreakingly certain.

          "Boku mo kimi ni au tame ni umarete kita." 


End file.
